so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
