so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
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I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
we're so committed to being not committed
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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