if i can run in heels then i can drive
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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