I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
