Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
