so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm passing your future prison.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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