Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
