Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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