every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
