I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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