Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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