I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
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