You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
