i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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