I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
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he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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