I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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