Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
