There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
