Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
