Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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