man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
