I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You're like the curious george of whores
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
