Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
