wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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