I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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