Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
