I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
