He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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