I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
