AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
