I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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