I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
