Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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