and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
