So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
