So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
FUCK WHALES
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
