Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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