life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
