i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
