just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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