I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
