You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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