my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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