You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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