It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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