I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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