She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
