theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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