im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
