I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't deserve a penis
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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