What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
