I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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