There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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