Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
