I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
