They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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